Another Harry Potter Movie Parody
by SometimesILikeToWrite
Summary: How many times has it been done? Thousands! But hopefully there's something special about mine. I present to you, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone! Please hold your reviews until the end. This is a Movie parody.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Having been AWOL for quite some time (I think it's possibly been 2 years since I've written a story! D:), I've decided to come back to FanFiction. My stories are normally parodies, mostly of movies. I lose interest in writing chapter-by-chapter stories XD**

**Having said this, here I am beginning a new chapter in my FanFiction life. I'm going to start movie series', one by one, parodying each one in the most humorous way I can. I am starting with Harry Potter, being a HUGE Potterhead! Any of you with me? ****J Each movie will be posted in a series of 5-7 chapters. The amount of reviews I get will determine how fast I update J **

**After this is completed, I have decided to treat all of you, potential reviewers/followers/favouriters, to the amazing literary novel 'My Immortal', followed, possibly, by 'imma wiserd'. Aren't you looking forward to that? Tell me you don't take all your advice for writing a Mary-Sue from Tara Gillespie/Gilesbie/Enoby?! **

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY RECOGNISABLE THING IN THIS PARODY…BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. DO YOU THINK IF I OWNED HARRY POTTER I WOULD BE HERE?**

**Without further ado, I present to you, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone (here's to appealing to US audiences! :D) **

**BEGIN!**

*Blaring theme music, followed by unmistakeable 'WB' logo.*

With little or no explanation to the poor sod who's never read the books, we find a sign labelled _Privet Drive_. An owl is a-perched on this sign. Because owls are cool like that. They don't need to trees/barns to live in. They gots their housing estate signs.

More owls. The music is ominous. We sense foreboding. This foreboding comes in the form of a sweet old bearded man in a funny hat. How terrifying. The music producer has satisfied his audience.

This old man appears to be slightly mad, as he has an inverted lighter. Instead of lighting _your _cigarette, it appears this lighter will take the light from _someone else's cigarette _and store it, for some unknown reason.

This man and his unexplained lighter are sucking the light out of life.

This scares me slightly.

Not only has this old man got a backwards lighter, he also talks to strange cats.

_**OLD MAN: **__Ah, my friend. Mr/Mrs Tabby cat (I am unclear as to which gender this cat belongs). I should have known I would see you on this random street in a random location which may or may not be England to complete some unexplained task. I should have known. My backwards lighter should have told me. It's good for nothing else._

_**CAT: **__Meow. _

We have established the cat's name is Professor McGonagall. What kind of crazy old cat lady has enough time on her hands to come up with that name?

Ah, I see. The Cat/Mrs Tabbycat/Professor McGonagall is actually a _person _named 'Professor McGonagall'. Why she is disguised as a cat is unclear.

Apparently, it's too mainstream for the writers to explain this random cat-person to the viewer. Something tells me they're running with the idea that each person has read the book. Good luck to the illiterate.

The Old Man also has a name. Professor Dumbledore treats this cat-changing-into-a-person as completely as a completely everyday experience.

_**McGONAGALL: **__Are the rumours true, Albus? Is the world going to end in 2012?_

_**DUMBLEDORE: **__Yes, Minerva, I'm afraid the rumours are true. The good AND the bad. The good, Keepin' Up With The Kardashians will no longer grace/vomit on our screens*. The bad, they're going to have to cancel Dr. Who. _*cries*

In some part of the world, the scriptwriters are laughing manically at their deranged script. Old Lady mentions 'The Boy'. Who or what the boy is appears irrelevant.

MOTORBIKE IN THE SKY

…

_**MOTORBIKES WERE MEANT TO FLY**_

_**THE GIANTS ON THEM**_

_**CAN TOUCH THE SKY**_

_**HANDS UP**_

_**DON'T DROP THE BOY**_

_**WE'LL DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!**_

…

Hairy man climbs off the bike, and gives a small, apparently sleeping, package, to the old man. The old man, unconcerned that a random child has been given to him, places this baby on a doorstep? What, is he a stork?

Or is the house an orphanage?

Or is it a family home?Again, the scriptwriters appear to not care for the sanity of the viewer.

What is a Muggle? Nobody seems to care that a random word has been placed into the script. I think the writers just thought about an imaginative way to smush the alphabet together.

Hagrid is crying. Lots of people make fun of this. But there is a relevant reason. A baby's parents just _died_.

Wouldn't you laugh if the baby was on the wrong doorstep?

If this baby's scar lit up in real life, and this wasn't a movie, I would be seriously worried. I mean, this child needs a hospital. There's a giant, cursed scar on his forehead. But that obviously doesn't concern wizards.

FAST FORWARD 10 YEARS.

All the irrelevant growing-up-stuff is apparently worthless.

We have a book of 'Harry's Firsts' for that.

This book, compiled by Vernon and Petunia Dursley, contains many of Harry's firsts: 'Harry's first time cleaning the toilet, aged 3'. 'Harry's first time cooking a Sunday roast, aged 5'.

Dudley's firsts, meanwhile, are things like 'Didders and his first chocolate fountain, aged 1', and 'Diddy and his first Xbox, aged 3.'.

There is a stamping fat boy on the stairs. He stamps on the stairs because walking down them is too mainstream. The fat boy is a hipster. KILL THE HIPSTER!

The 'boy who will be famous' is sleeping in a cupboard under the stairs.

This is not what the actor who plays him does, you can be sure.

Daniel Radcliffe's cupboard under the stairs is probably bigger than my bedroom.

Scratch that, his cupboard's probably bigger than my house.

_**PETUNIA:**__ SLAVE! Even though I'm clearly anorexic, I want you to cook the breakfast. My desire in life is to make everything perfect for your handsome cousin's perfect birthday. So, to make it perfect, I will have you, my 11-year-old nephew, cook the breakfast while I lead my beloved child blindly through the kitchen. _

_**HARRY: **__Good idea, Aunt Petunia. _

_**VERNON: **__Quiet, you!_

_**HARRY: **__Good idea, Uncle Vernon. _

_**VERNON: **__Hurry up. Bring my coffee, boy! _

_**HARRY: **__Sir, yes sir!_

The Fat Boy seems unimpressed by the virtual mountain of presents in front of him. This amount of presents is what I have gotten, collectively, for the last six Christmases.

_**FATTY: **__HOW MANY ARE THERE? One…two…three…three…three…Mummy count them! Big school hasn't taught me to go past three yet._

_**VERNON: **__There's 37. I counted them myself. Over the space of 38 days. _

_**DUDLEY: **__*flies off the handle* 37? BUT I HAD 37 LAST YEAR, AND FOR CHRISTMAS I GOT 42 AND TWO BIRTHDAYS AGO I GOT 39! ARE YOU TRYING TO TORTURE YOUR OWN SON TO DEATH? I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS LACK OF MATERIAL LOVE. I PROTEST. PROTEST I TELL YOU! _

_**HARRY (thinking): **__That was an intelligent sentence for Dudley. _

So everybody's headed off to the zoo for a lovely day out looking at nice animals, having ice creams and lovely family memories.

And then there's the Dursleys.

If it's summer, why are there kids in school uniforms?

Ah well, here comes Harry to save the d-

No, just to set a snake free.

_**HARRY: **__*is clearly trying to chat up the snake* _

_Were you arrested earlier? It has to be illegal to look that good! _

_**SNAKE: **__You're sssssad. _

_**HARRY: **__Do you have a map? Cause I keep getting lost in your eyes. _

_**SNAKE: **__Let me out before I get sssssssick. _

_**HARRY: **__*is rejected*._

Harry gets angsty and vanishes glass. Totally what all teens do when they're having angst.

So then he gets thrown in his cupboard for mentioning the word 'magic'. What this has to do with his sexual attraction to snakes is unclear.

So every owl in the known universe is now outside the Dursley's _suburban home_. Not suspicious at all. It's like every postman in the world outside Number 12, Grimmauld Place. It's not right.

_**VERNON: **__No mail on Sundays._

Vernon is quite clearly wrong. Letters erupt from every crack and crevice of the house. Letters are literally raining from the ceiling.

The Boy is not allowed to read one of the 9 million letters addressed to him, and so to 'get away from it all' (literally), Family of Fat + 1 take a holiday.

So now we're on a creepy rock in the middle of the raging sea. It's like a mini-Azkaban. Prime destination for my next holiday: "Great Returns!"…the only problem is, you'll never return!

Harry is the most unloved child in the world. I mean, I've had bad birthdays, but his takes the biscuit. The dust biscuit.

BANG BANG SMASH UP THE HOUSE.

_**HAGRID:**__ Wazz up? I'm seein here that I've knocked yer door down. Bett'r fix tha'. Despite the fact that all I do is place it back. A mere gust of wind could knock it back down. But, again, this appears irrelevant to the script writers. _

_**PETUNIA: **__AAAAH!_

_**DUDLEY: **__AAAAH!_

_**VERNON: **__AAAAH!_

_**HARRY: **__*hides in plain sight. Must be different. Must not follow the crowd. Right, Harry?*_

_**HAGRID: **__SO, I'm lookin for a "Harry Potter"? I duno if he's here or not, and I'm not even sure how I actually go' here, but I'll take a wild guess and say Harry's the fat kid with the piggy eyes. How're ya doin, Harry? I'm yer surrogate father figure, Hagrid. Keeper of Keys (even though the only key I appear to keep is yer Gringotts one) and Grounds at Hogwarts. Tha's a school. Yeh'll be goin there soon, Harry, you will. Yeh should watch ou' for tha' li'l twat Draco Malfoy, and the greasy teacher Professor Snape. OH, AND YER A WIZARD, HARRY. _

_**DUDLEY: **__*is confused* I'm not Harry. Thank God. _

_**HARRY: **__*is even more confused* I'm a what? And what's a Draco? _

_**HAGRID: **__All in good time. Happy Birthday, boy. _

_**HARRY: **__WOW, after 10 years of practically being starved, you'd think I'd be a bit more grateful for some cake. _

_**HAGRID: **__Here's one of the 987,765 letters that landed at your house. _

_**HARRY: **__*feels the need to read the letter aloud, even though clearly book-readers know what it says. Appeal to all audiences, said the writers.*_

_**VERNON: **__All right, so I have the chance to rid myself of the plague of my life, the bane of my days, the reason I'm never at home, and yet I SAY NO! _

_**PETUNIA: **__Harry, you're a freak. My sister was a freak. Her husband was a freak. Her cat was a freak. Everything associated with the Potters are freaks. Oh, and BTW your parents weren't eaten by crocodiles on a safari in Kenya. They were blown up by an evil dude._

_**HARRY: **__My life will never be the same again. I'm blowing this lollipop stand. _

In London. Somehow a half-wizard and an 11-year-old untrained student made it through the night in a raging storm in a wooden boat. Alive.

_**HARRY: **__*must read school letter aloud in the middle of a throng of Muggles. Who are clearly deaf to the mad little boy yelling about pewter cauldrons and owls*_

_**HAGRID: **__Jus' wan' go the pub Harry. Won't be long. _

_Haha, on'y pullin' yer leg. Fancy a Gillywater? Or a Butterbeer?_

_**HARRY: **__…_

_**HAGRID: **__Keep fergettin' yeh can't legally drink and yer not one of us. Sorry. _

_**HARRY: **__S'cool._

So the pub is packed at like 10am in the morning. Wizards are alcoholics.

_**YOU'RE HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER! **_Sang the entire pub.

_**RANDOM LADY: **__WOW, YOU'RE HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER! _

_**HARRY: **__Dude, what the hell? _

_**HAGRID: **__Soz, forgot to mention the slight little detail that you're incredibly famous and everybody knows your name. _

_**MAKIN' YOUR WAY IN THE WORLD TODAY**_

_**TAKES EVERYTHING YOU GOT!WOULD'NT YOU LIKE TO GET AWAY? **_

_Too bad. You can't._

_**SOMETIMES YOU WANNA GO**_

_**WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME!**_

_**HARRY: **__Bro, that's anywhere in the world for me. _

_**HAGRID: **__Sorry, Tom, can't drink today. _

_BTW, Harry, the fact that Tom's name is Tom has some future relevance to the fate of the entire world, but you know, chill. You can forget it if you like. _

_And here's a totally innocent, definitely-not-transporting-Voldemort-in-the-back-of-his-head-Professor. His name is Quirrell. And he is innocent of any crime._

_**QUIRRELL: **__*better disguise my voice*. S-s-s-o nice t-t-t-o m-m-meet you, H-H-Harry. *vomits*_

_**HARRY: **__If I had just met the baby responsible for saving the world, I guess I'd stutter too. On with the mission. _

Harry and Hagrid move through the chillingly silent, wax-model pub.

_**HAGRID: **__*points wand at wall* Blowupero! _

_**WALL: **__*Blows up*_

_**HAGRID: **__Well, ah least now we don' have to go through all tha' tappin' and wha' no'. On wi' the show. _

Okay, so Diagon Alley is thronged at 10am in the morning. Wizards are alcoholics and shopaholics. That must be hell on their bank vaults.

So Harry is suitably amazed at Diagon Alley, but of course, even though he's wandering around with his head in the clouds, he manages not to bump into anyone. Has everyone had _impedimenta _cast on them or what?

Speaking of bank vaults, we appear to be headed towards the world's most crooked bank. There should be a Guinness World Record just for Gringotts.

_**HARRY: **__Even though I am within clear earshot of the things, I feel the need to ask you, Hagrid. What are these things? _

_**HAGRID: **__Goblins. They get tha' a lot. Muggle-borns an_' _tha'. Always shoutin' an' yellin' about goblins. Wond'r what'd happen if a Thestral wandered in here. _

_**HARRY: **__Riiiight. Okay, Hagrid, back to bed. _

_**GOBLIN: **__Hello. I am Warwick Davis. I play several characters in all movies. My Griphook changes significantly between now and book seven. But that's irrelevant. Key, mofo? _

_**HAGRID: **__Even though I am supposed to disgust you by throwing items including mouldy dog biscuits on your desk, I shall instead root in one pocket, at random, and produce a key. Oh, and we need the thingy that's in that place._

_**GOBLIN: **__Dat's cool. Bitches be trippin' and whatnot. Let's go. _

So we swoop down to the centre of the earth. You'd think it would be hot instead of cold down here. Since when is Gringotts a rollercoaster anyway?

_**GRIPHOOK: **__Vault 7,897,786. Your fortune awaits, Mr Potter. _

_**HARRY: **__What's that Griphook? _

_**GRIPHOOK: **__A cough. _

_**HARRY: **__Riiiight Griphook. Back to bed. _

So there are 9,786,785 coins in Harry Potter's vault and he has the good grace to look mildly surprised. I'm sure if I had a small fortune buried under the surface of the earth, I would drop dead. Or at least have a minor stroke. But no. Harry is only mildly shocked. Dropping dead is too mainstream.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: One review last chapter, didn't even expect that! Millions and trillions of thanks to **doctorwhoamie **for following and favouriting! Love 3  
**

So, skipping all the interesting parts of Harry's first time in places like Flourish & Blotts and Madam Malkin's (where, incidentally, we avoided a nasty meeting with one Draco Malfoy, twat extraordinaire), we are headed straight for Ollivander's.

_**HEAD WRITER: **__You know that thing? You know the thing with the main ideals and morals of the story and whatnot? _

_**OTHER WRITERS: **__Um, I believe we call it the plot? _

_**HEAD WRITER: **__Let__'__s ignore it. _

_**OTHER WRITERS: **__Genius! _

So, ignoring canon totally seems to be the style. Hagrid heads off to buy and owl instead of going for a drink. Alcoholic.

Harry enters the shop that has been there since 87 BC.

_**HARRY: **__Hello? Hello? Hello? Godammit why aren__'__t you answering?! Ancient wandmakers these days. Good Lord. _

_**OLLIVANDER: **__Well, maybe if you gave me a chance to answer instead of rattling on for 5 minutes I could give you some wands to try out. But seeing as I've been alive since 367 BC, I clearly have no ideas about the modern world. _

_So here you are then, are you? It__'__s you, is it? You__'__re in my shop are you? _

_I remember when your mother and father were in here buying their first wands. _

Their _first _wands? What, did they have more than one wand over their relatively short life span?

_**HARRY: **__Okay, can I have a wand now? _

_**OLLIVANDER: **__Sure. Here. Ash with a hair of some sort. _

_**HARRY: **__*waves wand, blows up half of Diagon Alley* _

_**OLLIVANDER: **__No. No. I don__'__t think so. Here. Holly and maybe a horse hair, I__'__m not sure. _

_**HARRY: **__*waves wand, burns down Ollivander__'__s*_

_**OLLIVANDER: **__Perhaps not. Let__'__s try this one. The only wand whose core I know. Holly and phoenix feather._

_**HARRY: **__*waves wand. Cue the fans and pretty lights*_

_**OLLIVANDER: **__Curious. Curious. Curious. Curiouscouriouscurious. Curi-_

_**HARRY: **__Dammit man, what__'__s curious? Hell, bro, you really know how to confuse a guy!_

_**OLLIVANDER: **__Well, let__'__s put it this way. There was once a horrible evil man named He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He was once a boy but then he turned evil and killed some people to make some Horcruxes, but they won__'__t matter to you for another 7 years or so. Then you__'__ll be a hero and even more famous than you already are. What__'__s curious is that the phoenix who gave a feather for your wand gave another one. Just one other feather. It__'__s weird that one of the rarest magical creatures would only give me 2 feathers but oh well. The other feather went into You-Know-Who__'__s wand. It__'__s curious that that wand gave you that scar. And killed your parents. Among other people. That__'__ll be 7 galleons please. _

_**HARRY: **__What? Sorry? I was distracted by visions of snakes. _

_**HAGRID: **__Hi, Harry. I have a pretty owl for you. Let__'__s go get some soup. _

_**HARRY: **__Cool. _

Eating soup and whatnot.

_**HAGRID: **__No__'__ hungry, are yeh? Heard about You-Know-Who yet? _

_**HARRY: **__Who is this You-Know-Who? _

_**HAGRID: **__You-Know-Who? Let me tell you something about You-Know-Who. We were best friends in school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even…whatever. So then, in third year, I bought my first madly dangerous animal, Aragog. Aragog was like, totally dangerous and amazing, but then he moved to the Forbidden Forest. And, You-Know-Who was like, weirdly jealous of Aragog. Like, if I would blow him off to feed Aragog, he'd be like "Why didn't you owl me back?" and I'd be like "Why are you so obsessed with me?". So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-creatures kill party, I was like "Voldemort, I can't invite you because I think you're a creature hater!". I mean, I couldn't have a creature hater at my party. There were gonna be creatures there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? He was a creature hater. So then Dumbledore called my mom and started yelling at her. It was so retarded. And then You-Know-Who went home for summer, and when he came back he was all evil and weird and now I guess he's on killing sprees. _

_**HARRY: **__What was that? I was trying to spell __'__Harry__'__ with my alphabet soup. There__'__s no R__'__s. _

So now it's tomorrow. What, did Harry and Hagrid sleep under a rock?

Harry is lost.

Thankfully there is a woman wandering conveniently by yelling about Muggles and barriers.

_**HARRY: **__S-s-s-orry. C-c-could you t-t-t-t-tell m-m-m-me how t-t-t-o-_

_**RED-HAIRED LADY: **__Good God, boy. Spit it out. Merlin__'__s pants! _

_**HARRY: **__S-s-s-sorry. T-t-he-_

_**RED-HAIRED LADY: **__The platform? Run at that barrier there, before I slit my own wrists at your stuttering. Pray you don__'__t smush your brains onto the barrier if its solid. _

_**GINNY: **__DON__'__T DO THAT! WE CAN NEVER MAKE PRETTY BABIES IF YOU DO! _

_**HARRY: **__Riiight. Back to bed, Ginny. _

So Harry runs at the platform and doesn't smush his brains in, which is fortunate as Harry Potter could never exist if he had.

So the writers decide to avoid the whole scene of "Harry Potter meets and greets the Weasley Twins".

Shame. It would've been fun.

SHAME ON YOU!

_**RON: **__Hey, can I barge in here, sit down and be your best friend?_

_**HARRY: **__That__'__d be cool. _

_**RON: **__I__'__m Ron by the way. Ron Weasley. _

_**HARRY: **__I__'__m Potter. Harry Potter. *007 theme tune*_

_**RON: **__WOW! DO YOU HAVE A SCAR? _

_**HARRY: **__Oh, yes, my hair is always conveniently parted so the whole world can see who I am. But for your viewing pleasure, I__'__ll push back my fringe. _

_**RON: **__Wicked, a real celebrity!_

So, some stuff happens, like eating and eating and doing magic.

_**HERMIONE: **__Hello, future husband and future best friend. I am Hermione, witch extraordinaire. I am seeking a green, lumpy amphibian, commonly known as a 'toad'. A boy named 'Neville' has lost one. I know, Neville. Anyway, have you seen one? Oh, you're attempting a trick. Let's see then. _

_**RON: **__*points wand at rat* Explodo! _

_**SCABBERS: **__*explodes*_

_**HERMIONE: **__Are you not going to miss that rat?_

_**RON: **__No, he was useless. _

_**HERMIONE: **__Oh._

SEXUAL TENSIONNNNN!

_**HARRY: **__*Thirdwheelin*_

_**HERMIONE: **__You've got dirt on your nose, you filthy boy. Don't you know how to wash?_

_**RON: **__No, I'm useless. _

_**HERMIONE: **__Oh. _

SEXUAL TENSIONNNNNN!

**HAGRID: **_FIIIIIRRRRSSSSSS YYYYEEEAAARRRSSSS! OVVVRRR EEERREEE! Are yous all deaf? I saaaaid FIRRRSSSSSSS YYYYYEEEAAARRSSS! Let's go. Oh. Hi Harry. _

_**HARRY: **__I swear, I've never seen him before. Who are you?_

_**HAGRID: **__Fine, I'll take yer owl back, yeh ungrateful bugger. _

In the magic boats of magicness and awe and amazingness.

First glimpse of Hogwarts.

Even Hermione looks impressed, and she's read _Hogwarts: A History _2382012 times.

So, there's some old lady with a piece of paper.

She is severely severe.

I am scared of this lady.

So, there's something about Hogwarts being a family, and bad things = no points.

Old lady later goes back on this: defeat troll = +5 points each. OUT OF BED LATE? -150 points! HOW DARE YOU NOT BE IN YOUR BEDS AND WHATNOT?

Draco is nasty to Ronald. If I were Ronald, I would tell my father. In Ronald's defence, Draco is a pretty funny name. Any boy I know would wreck a boy named Draco. And that's putting it endearingly.

DRACO GOT BUUUURNED BY HARRY POTTAH!  
"I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself thanks!"  
Would you like a napkin with that, Draco? 'Cos you just got SERVED!  
*Please apply cold water to the burned area* (aka Draco's ego)

So anyway, we now enter the great hall. I have _never _seen any 11-year-old look at a ceiling like that in my life!  
The magic hat doesn't look very magical.  
UNTIL IT STARTS _SPEAKING_!  
If I were a Muggleborn, I would evacuate the premises right now and never come back. EVER.  
A talking hat is not normal.  
Whatever JK Rowling's smoking, I want some.

So there appears to be five relevant students in Hogwarts this year: Susan Bohns, Draco the ferret, Ronald, Harry Pottah and Her-my-oh-nee.  
Hermyohnee needs to relax.  
At least you're not Slytherin material, Herms!  
Cos they would crucify a girl like you: you're clever, and nice. And they're trollish.  
With the obvious exception of Astoria Greengrass, eh Draco *wink, wink*

Harry Pottah is a Hatstall. Bit unfortunate, gives the _entire _school more time to stare the bejesus out of him.  
Fred and George Wealey are practically falling off their chairs to get a look.  
Ginny is spying on him through her remote OwlCam. I bet you she is.

"GRYFFINDOR!"  
And the entire hall claps?  
If I were the other houses, I'd be miffed that the Hat didn't think they were good enough for Harry Pottah, the most famous wizard ever.  
Eh, Slytherin?  
FEEL THE JEALOUSY!

So anyway, Hermyohnee and Ronald and Harry Pottah are stuffing their faces and grilling Percy about some dude in serious need of shampoo and a personality. Poor Snape. Forever unloved.

_**HARRY: **Yo, Perce, brah, who be dat white guy up der? With dose eyes and dat hayah? _  
_**  
PERCY: **__Oh, well you see Master Pottah, that is the inglorious basterd Professor Severus Snape, Order of Merlin (Forever Alone), and Five Times winner of Witch_ _Weekly's Most Unloved Award. But he doesn't like to brag."_  
**_  
HARRY: _**_Ah see. And dude with the turban? Wat's dat white boi teach?_

_**PERCY: **Oh yes, Master Pottah, that is Professor Quirinius Quirrell, Order of Merlin (Stutter Class) and Five Times winner of Witch Weekly's Most Definitely Transporting Voldemort in the Back of his Head Award. But you didn't hear that off me, old chap!_

_**HARRY: **Say what? I was just distracted by dese here chicken wings. Catch ya later!_

**AN: Would love some reviews, you amazing people! Don't you think the review button is looking particularly beautiful today? :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thank you to Aguna, Tomfeltonisgod and ****Amarenima Redwood**** who followed, favourited and reviewed! Thank you also to the lovely guest reviewer (conveniently named 'Guest') who told me it was horrible. Love to you, bro :) Oh, and Yasmin, guest reviewer, thank you too :)**

**PS: TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NEVER WATCHED POTTER PUPPET PALS/A VERY POTTER MUSICAL & SEQUEL ON YOUTUBE, PARTS OF THIS CHAPTER MAY BE EXTREMELY CONFUSING, SO I ADVISE YOU TO WATCH THESE VIDEOS BEFORE PROCEEDING. I love typing in capitals!**

Everyone in Hogwarts is extremely fat, and extremely terrified of ghosts, so they decide to leave the Great Hall and climb 7173994 flights of stairs. There is a Fat Lady who clearly died before the start of the second movie, because she is distinctly different from any Dawn French I've ever seen.

_**FAKE FAT LADY: **__Password_

_**PERCY: **__*Elder swear* _

_**FAKE FAT LADY: **__Voldemort's nipple, I didn't ask for that! _

_**PERCY: **__Awfully sorry, Fat Lady darling. I did mean to say 'caput draconis'!_

_**FAKE FAT LADY: **__That's more like it, you young whippersnapper! _

_**FIRST YEARS: **__Any chance we could, like, get into the common room now? _

_**PERCY: **__But she's so damn attractive… _

_**FAKE FAT LADY: **__*vomits*_

_**PERCY: **__*is rejected*_

Harry is, quite strangely, an insomniac. Must be all the years of cupboard sleeping.

I thought owls weren't allowed in the dorms?

Is that just me?

Oh.

SEAMUS IS LIKE, THE CUTEST BOY EVER!

Ahem. Anyway! Harry's insomniacness aside, it's day 1 at Hogwarts and the ickle firsties are late. No doubt that's Peeves' fault but as Peeves ISN'T IN THE MOVIES we can't be sure.

_**RON: **__Oh my god Harry Pottah, can you imagine the look on that ugly old troll hag's face if we were late?_

_**HARRY: **__No, Ronald, I cannot imagine what kind of sick look would be on that ugly old squid's face! _

_**MCBADASS: **__*transforms* it may come as a shock to two nerds like you that cats are not, in fact, deaf, and can actually hear you. I suggest you keep your opinions to yourselves, boys. That's four months detention. _

_**HARRY: **__Ronald this is all your fault! You just can't keep your stupid blood traitor opinions to yourself. _

_**RON: **__I'm so sorry Master Pottah! I really am! Please forgive me! I'm only a filthy half breed I know I am! But I can change! I'll change for you, Harry Pottah! _

_**HARRY: **__Stop whining, Ronald. Go and be friend zoned or something. _

_**RON: **__Yes, Harry Pottah, anything for you! _

So, as all other teachers are irrelevant, we move straight to Snape's classroom/torture cell.

_**SNAPE: **__I have moved on from the teaching trade and am now an airline salesperson. There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in first class. Do you understand that or do I need to spell it out for you, Mr. Longbottom? Now, being that I am El Ultimate Supremo Snape, I can teach you how to bottle a dame, brew dory and even put a stopper in breath. No, that's not right! FAME, GLORY, DEATH! Every year I swear….ah but it's Mr. Pottah, our…new…celebrity. Think you're above dames and breath, do you Pottah? _

_**HARRY: **__No, Master Snape. _

_**SNAPE: **__INSOLENCE! Tell me, Mr. Pottah, if I have thirteen apples and I go to the shop and buy three more, how many apples fit the radius of the sun? _

_**HARRY: **__I don't know, sir. _

_**HERMIONE: **__7736266446, sir! _

_**SNAPE: **__Shut up, mudblood. Let's try this again, Lil-! Pottah. I totally meant Pottah there. Where would you look if I asked you to find the friendzone, Mr Pottah? _

_**RON: **__Ooooh! Ooooh! I know this one! _

_**HERMIONE: **__Back off, Ronald, this one's mine! _

_**HARRY: **__I won't know until fourth year, sir. _

_**SNAPE: **__Oh, stop whining Mr Weasley, you know nothing about friendzones! What, Mr Pottah, is the difference between a wenis and a penis? _

_**HARRY: **__I don't know, sir. _

_**SNAPE: **__Pity. Fame…isn't…everything…is…it…Mr Pottah? _

_**HARRY: **__I don't know, sir. _

Later…

_**SEAMUS: **__Eye of rabbit…something, something… _(does anyone actually know what he says here?) _…turn this water into rum._

WHY IS AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD BOY ATTEMPTING TO MAKE RUM? Wizards are definitely alcoholics. There's no doubt in my mind.

_**SEAMUS:**__Eye of rabbit…fuck it! EXPLODO! _

_**GOBLET: **__Explodes. _

_**SEAMUS: **__*looks confused* _

_**RON: **__Ah, yes, mail is imminent, Harry Pottah. The owls are arriving. It is a sign, sent from the highest cloud. _

_**HARRY: **__No it's not, Ronald. It's some paper and ink. Shut up. _

_**RON: **__Sowwy, Hawwy. _

_**HARRY: **__Must. Read. Paper…_

_**NEVILLE: **__I'VE GOT A BALL YOU GUYS!_

_**DRACO THE FERRET: **__Well, at least now you have one. _

_**NEVILLE: **__That's mean, Drayko! Hey, my ball's turning red. There's only one person who'll know what that means! Hey, Hermione! Why is my ball red? _

_**HERMIONE: **__Generally, genitals turn red when there's some kind of infect- oh it's not that kind of ball is it? _

_**NEVILLE: **__N-no, Hermione. It's a REMEMBRALL! _

_**HERMIONE: **__Oh. Right. Well, if the smoke turns red it means you've forgotten something._

_**DRACO: **__Yes, his other ball. _

_**NEVILLE: **__Shut up Drayko! _

_**HARRY: **__Oh my gawd yew guise! Gringott's was broking into! Did you hear, guise! BROKING INTO! Like, people BROKE in there and they TOOK stuff. The vault was 713! I KNEW 13 WAS AN UNLUCKY NUMBER! Oh my GAWD! Hagrid nd mii went to that vault! _

Hermione looks like she is trying to eat her own teeth.

So later that day or next week or it might be next year, who knows (because the script conveniently does not have a timeline), we are having Quidditch practice.

If this were an episode of Friends, it would be called 'The One with the Vampire' because MADAME HOOCH IS A CULLEN! LOOK AT THOSE EYES!

_**MADAME HOOCH: **__And now, to eat you children! LOL jk, I'm going to teach you to kill yourselves by hopping on an enchanted piece of wood!_

_**CHILDREN: **__YEY!_

_**MADAME HOOCH: **__At least three of you will die. Good meal for me! _

**AN: The review button dressed up especially for you guys! Don't you think you should make it worth it's while? :P **


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE THE LAST UPDATE! I genuinely get down on my knees and beg your forgiveness. **

**Not that anyone cares.**

**WARNING: NUMEROUS CITATIONS TO OTHER THINGS OUTSIDE THE REALM OF HARRY POTTER. PLEASE CHECK GOOGLE IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. **

So, as we have seen, Madam Hooch is a giant human-eating carnivore. So Neville Schlongbottom gets up on his broom and flies away like nobody's business, swerving and swooping.

I swear Madam Hooch's eyes are getting hungrier the higher Neville goes.

_**MADAM HOOCH: **__Schlongbottom! Come down from there at once! _

_**NEVILLE: **__You serious right now? I can't fly this thing, forget landing it!  
_

As if to prove a point, Neville rapidly dismounts his broom in midair and falls to his impeding deat…broken ARM?

A BROKEN ARM.

HE FALLS OFF A BROOM AND RECIEVES NO INJURIES OTHER THAN A BROKEN ARM?

*claps* VERY PLAUSIBLE, SCRIPTWRITERS. WELL DONE.

Okay, so Irresponsible Teacher of the Year Award goes to Madam Cullen…sorry, Hooch. She leaves a group of seventeen or so ELEVEN YEAR OLD CHILDREN ALONE WITH FLYING OBJECTS AND TELLS THEM TO 'KEEP THEIR FEET ON THE GROUND'? WHAT ELEVEN YEAR OLD IS GOING TO LISTEN TO THAT?

_**DRACO: **__This pretty glass ball is pretty._

_**HARRY: **__Give that back, Malfoy. That's Schlongbottom's Remembrall!  
_

_**DRACO: **__Whatcha gon' do about it, Pottah? _

_**HARRY: **__I challenge you to a dance off. _

_**DRACO: **__Training for the ballet, Potter? No way you can beat me! SOMEONE BRING IN THE WII! _

As we now see, the movie has bored me so much I'm making up my own scenarios. Bear with me.

Ron and Seamus wheel in the official Hogwarts School Wii, along with_ Just Dance 4_.

_**HARRY: **__Since you're such a little pansy, you can pick the song, Draquesha. _

_**DRACO: **__SKRILLEX! I CHOOSE YOU!_

Draco and Harry face up to one another, Wii remotes in hand.

_**DRACO: **__Scared, Pottah? _

_**HARRY: **__You…wish. _

As the Wii starts up, we hear various giggles from the assembled first years.

Draco selects Skrillex's _Rock n' Roll (Will Take You To The Mountain)_. Harry then proceeds to trash Draco five stars to two.

As the song is about to finish, Minerva McGonagall strolls onto the field at her leisure, and casually hauls Harry off by his ear, all the way to Wood.

_**MCGONAGALL: **__I've found a new lead dancer, Wood. _

_**WOOD: **__Seriously? _

_**MCGONAGALL: **__No, Oliver, I said that for a joke. I am Minerva McGonagall. I do not joke. This is Harry. He is our new leader. _

_**WOOD AND HARRY: **__WHAT? _

_**HARRY: **__No way! I'm only a first year! _

_**WOOD: **__I'm the captain and I say no! _

McGonagall shows Wood a video of Harry's routine.

_**WOOD: **__I'm the captain and I say yes!_

Later, Harry and Ron are rollin' through Hogwarts.

_**RON: **__Leader? You must be the youngest leader in…_

_**HARRY: **__A century. McGonagall told me so. _

_**FRED/GEORGE: **__Well done, Harry! Wood's just told us!_

_**RON: **__Gred and Forge are on the team too. Bases. _

_**FRED/GEORGE: **__Yeah, it's our job to hold you up when you're spinning and flying and flipping and shit. _

_**FRED/GEORGE: **__Yeah, if we drop you, you're screwed!  
_

_**FRED AND GEORGE: **__Well, see ya later Harry! _

_**HARRY: **__I feel sick. _

_**RON: **__Don't worry! Dancing's great! Best sport there is!  
_

_**HARRY: **__But I've never danced in front of anyone before. What if I make a total tit of myself? _

_**HERMIONE: **__You won't make a tit of yourself. Dancing's in your blood. _

_**HARRY: **__Where the hell did you come from? _

Hermione rolls her eyes, and whips out her iWizardPhone. On it is a picture of the school's trophy case. Harry's father's name is on a plaque with 'Leader' written on it.

_**HARRY: **__Why are you taking pictures of my family heirlooms?_

_**RON: **__She's dead creepy!  
_

_**HARRY: **__My father was a leader too! _

Harry moonwalks away to the library to read up on the Gryffindor House Dance Troop.

Ron and Hermione are left sharing sexual tension.

**AN: REVIEWS, YOU LOVELY PEOPLE? xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I think I had better explain something before we proceed on this journey together: THIS STORY IS A PARODY.**

**SO, to clarify, **_**if I make fun of something (i.e. Quidditch, Madam Hooch etc.) I DON'T MEAN IT.**_** Okay? **

**Glad we clarified. **

**Thanks immensely for reviews, faves, etc 3**

**BEGIN :)**

So, with the ingenious director behind the this movie, we are now climbing some stairs. Hermione, as usual, storms ahead of the boys.

_**RON: **__I'm telling you, mate, it's weird. She's probably written a biography on you and your dancing skills! She knows more about you than you do!  
_

_**HARRY: **__*flicks hair* everyone knows more about me than I do, Ronald, you silly boy. I am the Boy Who Lived, El Supreme Voldemort Defeater, The Mighty HP! Everyone in the Wizarding World has probably written biographies about me, I saved their asses ten years ago! I've done more as a one year old than anyone else I know! I am invincible, undefeatable, amazing and supreme. Ok, Ron? _

_**RON: **__What was that, Harry? I was distracted by that speck of dust over there. _

Hermione seems oblivious to Harry's constant self-centeredness.

Suddenly, the staircase moves. In total crap acting on behalf of the trio, Hermione looks like she's dropped a quill, Harry looks like he's had his toe stood on and Ron is looking at the ceiling.

You just can't make children act.

_**RON: **__The ceiling looks nice today, doesn't it. Why did the staircase move?_

_**HERMIONE: **__You're the one who was brought up in the magical world and you don't know? I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be doing your homework for the next six years! Anyway, according to my calculations, after using various common multiplication theories and the application of a simple applied physics theorem, I deduce the staircase probably moved because it's bewitched to do so, for unknown reasons. _

_**HARRY AND RON: **__What? Sorry, we were playing iSpy! _

_**HERMIONE: **__It moved because Dumbledore said so. _

_**HARRY AND RON: **__Oh. Okay. Seems legit. _

_**HARRY: **__Let's go this way, guys! __VAMOS! _

_**RON (WHO IS NOW DORA THE EXPLORER):**__ Before the staircase moves again. Can YOU see the moving staircase? *waits for eternity* That's RIGHT! There's the moving staircase. Can you say STAIRCASE? Good! Stayre-cayse! Bueno! _

_**HERMIONE: **__Stop living in the past, Ronald. Dora doesn't love you anymore. _

_**RON: **__You shut your fat face Hermione!_

_**HARRY: **__Does anyone else feel like we shouldn't be here? _

_**HERMIONE: **__You bet your ass we shouldn't be here! This is the third floor corridor! But…it's sort of fun, isn't it? Breaking the rules. _

_**RON: **__Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?_

_**HARRY: **__Hey guys, newsflash. That scene isn't for another four movies! I'm surrounded by imbeciles! This is not the company the word's most famous boy should keep! _

_**HERMIONE AND RON: **__*sexual tension*_

Suddenly, Voldemort's cat comes running down the corridor.

I mean, look at that thing! Red eyes and obviously pretty down in the dumps…it's working for him! They've been hunting the wrong man all along! It was never Snape who was hanging on Voldemort's arm! It was Filch and his cat!

Filch and his cat were spying for Voldy!

The shame!

_**HARRY: **__It's that hairy animal I caught reading my texts yesterday! I knew there was something fishy about it trying to ring Voldemort off my phone and…also it was trying to upload my phone's contents to Google…this is a worrying advance on Filch copying down my contacts last week. But it doesn't mean anything, so that's fine. _

_Well guys, we better run! _

DASHING THROUGH THE SCHOOL, DON'T FALL INTO A POOL!

_**HARRY: **__Quick you guys! Through that door!_

They establish that the door is locked.

_**HARRY: **__It's locked! _

_**RON: **__Thank you, Captain Obvious! We could never have worked that out were it not for your fearless research and fieldwork! _

_We're done for, though, aren't we?_

_**HERMIONE: **__Oh, stand aside. Make way for the brightest witch of her age! Coming through, you peasants! Simple wand twirl and a triple backflip should do it…or…ALOHOMORA! _

The door opens and they rush through, banging it closed behind them. Filch, who is now in the corridor, is evidently deaf, blind and dumb as a post if he: a) talks to his cat, b) can't see the trio or c) can't hear them.

_**FILCH: **__Anyone here, my sweetums shnucklepuss? _

_**MRS NORRIS: **__Meow_

_**FILCH: **__Let's go. _

_**HERMIONE: **__He's gone!_

_**RON: **__Thank you, Captain Obvious! We could never have worked that out were it not for your fearless research and fieldwork! _

_**HARRY: **__I bet he thinks this door's locked!_

_**HERMIONE: **__It was locked for a good reason!  
_

_**RON: **__What do you mean, Hermione darling? _

So behind them is a reasonably good CGI three headed dog that was probably represented by three oranges on a three-pronged stick in the green room during filming, which is why the young actors and actress have a blatant over-reaction to a three-pronged stick.

_**HARRY, RON AND HERMIONE:**__ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG GGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

So they bolt out the door, and even though they cant weigh more than a hundred kilos between them, they manage to fend off a three thousand pound dog with three heads and sharp teeth.

WELL DONE, SCREENPLAY PEOPLE. VERY PLAUSIBLE.

**A/N: Reviews, if you feel like it? xx **


	6. Chapter 6

**HOLA! Mis amigos! I am Spanish today! As always, it's been a million years since any kind of update to this and for that, I apologise most profusely! I'm sure you were on the edge of your seats waiting! **

**So, without further ado, I present to you the next instalment in this glorious parody! **

**BEGIN!  
**

We now see the Golden Trio return to the common room, panting and out of breath even though all they've seen is three oranges on the end of a three-pronged stick, and it probably wasn't even filmed on the same day. Grr.

_**RON: **__What are they doing, keeping a three-pronged stick locked up in the school like that? _

_**HERMIONE: **__Mate. Are you blind? You don't use your eyes much, if you aren't! _

_**RON: **__Oh sorry I didn't have time to case the joint! I was a smidge more worried about a vicious trio of oranges coming at my face! _

_**HERMIONE: **__Ugh, whatever Ronald. Anyway! The oranges and their stick were standing on top of a trapdoor! _

_**HARRY: **__What ever would they be doing that for? _

_**HERMIONE: **__I'm surrounded by idiots. It was guarding something, you specky git! _

_**HARRY: **__All right, leave the specs out of it! _

_**HERMIONE: **__Mmm. Now, I'm going to bed, before either of you come up with another clever idea to get us killed…_*pauses for a century*_…or worse, d. _

Then, in a fit of temper, Hermione slams the door, never to be seen again.

_**RON: **__Sh to sort out her priorities! _

[FLASH FORWARD SEVEN YEARS]

Having just escaped from the Death Eaters in the café, the trio are now wandering aimlessly through London.

_**HERMIONE: **__We forgot to give you your birthday cake, Harry! We were going to bring it out at the end of the wedding! _

_**RON: **__You really didn't get my message in first year, did you? We've just escaped old Voldy's servants and you're worried about a cake? _

[END FLASH FORWARD]

Moving on with life, we now have the incredibly handsome Sean Biggerstaff…no wait, that's actually Oliver Wood. My bad. Oliver Wood. He's simply adorable in his polo-neck (or turtleneck, depending on your country!)

_**OLIVER: **__So, Potter, I'm going to teach you to fly. The hopes of an entirely moral-less house rest upon your skinny, orphaned shoulders. _

_**HARRY: **__McGonagall never mentioned Gryffindor were moral-less. _

_**WOOD: **__She's in denial. We got nothin'. _

_So _[gestures to trunk] _this Quidditch thing. It's pretty straightforward. Four different kinds of balls. _

_**HARRY: **_*snorts* _balls! Haha!_

_**WOOD: **__Oh, the merits of having an immature child on your team. This first ball is the Quaffle. The Chasers carry the Quaffle and try to put it through one of three, fifty-foot tall Golden hoops. _

_**HARRY: **__I was told I was joining the Gryffindor House Dance Troop. _

_**WOOD: **__Yeah, but I thought I'd explain Quidditch first. It's like the most fabulous fictional sport ever. _

_**HARRY: **__Honestly, Wood. I'm here for the dancing. Dancing's my jam. It's what I do. _

_**WOOD: **__Ah, yes. Right. Well. Like I said before, we Gryffindors are pretty moral-less. We haven't won a dance off in fifteen years. Every year, Slytherin kicks the crap out of us with a highly skilled and choreographed routine. _

_**HARRY: **__Is their routine always better? _

_**WOOD: **__We've heard last year's was very good. None of the squad showed up to challenge Marcus Flint and his posse because we're terrified of defeat. _

_**HARRY: **__No wonder you don't win things! You're all pansies! _

_**WOOD: **__Yeah, but you're our brave new lead dancer! And we shall conquer Marcus and his babbling, bumbling band of baboons. _

_**MCGONAGALL: **__Wrong movie, Wood. _

_**WOOD: **__Ah, yes. Right. Well. The GHDT. That stands for Gryffindor House Dance Troop, or the Lions on the circuit. Well, there's seven of us. Me, I'm the captain. I say what to do and when to do it. Where to be, when to be there. How to act, and when to act it. I'm supreme. Fred and George Weasley are the team's bases. They hold up the stunt girls while they're doing aerial tricks, and catch them as they fall. I'm also a base, because look at me. I'm strong as hell! Then there's our three stunt girls: Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell and Alicia Spinnet. They do tricks in the air, like pyramids and all that. And then there's you. I don't want you worrying about bases or flyers or any of that shit. Your one worry is being amazing. All the time. Everywhere. Amazing on the ground. Amazing in the air. Got it? _

_**HARRY: **__What, sorry? I was playing with a bludger. _

_**WOOD: **__Just be good at dancing all the time, okay? _

_\_

_**HARRY: **__Sure. Gotta run now. Bye bye, Wood! _

_**WOOD: **__But! Wait! I was gonna practice with yo…oh never mind, he's gone. _

_**WOOD: **_*sadly strolls away to a bush, crawls under it, and falls asleep*

**AN: Review, if you like? Xx **


End file.
